Sunday, August 10, 2008

'Can we be friends?' says the ex.

I was meant to be writing this blog after the wonderful adventure I had on the wee hours of the auspicious day, the Friday 08.08.08. I went online earlier chatting with a new acquaintance, somewhat mutual friend, and he had this crazy idea of having late supper and was crazily enough to drive all the way from Sentul to Damansara where i was staying and then pick up my other friend Jas who lives in Klang who already thought that we were already sleeping at home. It was meant to be a surprise but honestly speaking, I haven't been out that late in ages! To cut the long story short, our mini morning scheme ended up at Shah Alam and that journey from Sentul to Shah Alam via Kelang took about 11/2 hour!! I couldnt help but laugh the minute I saw Jas ushering us into the lawn of this house for he just cant believe it. From then on I know we gonna have so much fun.

After scouring the dead shop houses in Klang and not happy with the choices, Jas came up with the idea of shifting the venue to Shah Alam where he thinks its more 'happening'. I couldnt agree more but I felt that regardless where you are its the company that counts. In our case it was rather special, two best friends and a new-found 'friend'. I have to use this friend term loosely because it might progress into something else.. you know who you are! :P Once we are all at ease, with roti canai on the table paired with ice tea, we started talking about things around us, relationships bla bla bla, ex-es, preferences and what not. I told the guys my next topic on my blog would be 'can we be friends with our exes. Often we hear stories where a relationship that has ended and people try to salvage whatever good things that has left from that relationship, and decided to be friends. I question this motive simply because its a theory that doesnt work for me..

Break-ups are painful. Regardless whether its mutual and it gets worst when its ugly. Hence, you will mourn, because like a small death, part of your soul has gone. And no text book out there tells you exactly how to deal with it because only you can understand the weight and repercussion that is caused by such pain. This pain ladies and gentlemen, needs to be dealt in its on way and TIME, and like death, you need to bury the feelings and slowly pick yourself up and move on. The time factor is so important and again, its you who has the power to decide or perhaps realize how much time you need until you are able to accept the situation. To me a friend is simply someone who is honest with their feelings towards you as well as genuine and asking nothing in return. Being friends with an ex lover or partner is like going into a grey area where the line is drawn but simply can be erased or even ignored because theres so much feelings thats been invested. Ask yourself this, how can you say 'I'm so in love you , or I love you forever ' today and then become just friends the very next. Friends are for keeps, good friends for that matter.. and feelings of love comes with jealousy, rage and anger. Yes, our subconscious tells us otherwise but how can you be in the right state of mine the minute you become friends with your ex and see them with some one else. Id be lying if I couldnt help feeling slightly envious and apprehensive, maybe because that person nonchalantly introduce their new partner or the fact that they are happier with some one else. In order to move on, in order to be able to love again, you need to have a clear conscience and leave all the baggage from your previous relationship.

My cruel but practical way of dealing things is to avoid myself from my exes, to not let myself interfere with their life, stop all mode of communication and slowly perhaps painfully get myself on my feet and learn to live without that someone again. It may take two days, or two months and even 2 years. You will know when you over someone when you have no feelings of anger or even affection the next time you see or talk to them. And maybe only then, you can decide whether you want to stay friends with them. I can only speak on my behalf, for I know some relationships are different and how it started and ways it ended, my method works for me because I simply want to avoid complications. Our life is complicated enough as it is, with family, friendships, financial and jobs to juggle, its just not enough room for anymore mess. Ultimately, we want to be happy and in order to achieve that we need a clear conscience for us to make the best and RIGHT decisions for our self in our daily life. Fact of the matter is, take time to mourn and find ways to be happy again.

For you guys out there, please dont use the word 'friend' like some cheap meaningless label because friends are supposed to be there when you need them, in both good or bad times, and if you want to use that term just for you to come off as 'nice', then forget it. Look around you and ask yourself, what a friend really means to you. Define it well, and then you decide. I can happily say I have a healthy relationship with my friends, no suppressed feelings or pretence, because lying to yourself is a pain that will ruin you in time regardless you acknowledge it or not.

So there you go, I know some of you might not agree entirely or opposed to the idea. Like I said earlier, its MY take on things. You may use it or disregard it but I want to share it because I know some of us craves for answers.

...We left our not-to-be-forgotten breakfast slightly sleepy yet exhilarated, I was at ease with this new acquaintance of mine and glad that I was able to reveal myself and comfortable talking about what I feel because often we have hard time showing our true colours for fear of judgement or being misunderstood. All I can say is you have to nothing to lose, in fact everything to gain.


jasmdea said...

I agree 110 percents Syuke! Once say no, means NO. All or nothing!

Fitri said...

Emmm Jas .. time is needed here .. after a while .. like Syuke said, when both have no expectation then the two can be friend. :-) .. mana tau kot2 .. carik2 bulu ayam .. nanti bertaup kembali.

f.i.e.z.a said...

hye syuk..

kmk org kch juak. =)
i discovered ur blog from the famous mr manager n i do love this entry since i had just survived a breakups.
it's like reading what i have in mind n thanx for the great made my day!

Jojo said...

i agree with you...great post bro.

Jucci Juarez said...

oh, i love ur blog. i do

princessanna said...

love is just so complicated.. but broke up and then pretend that we could be fren is more than complicated.. as much as i know what u mean.. i agree with u man!!

between, recently found your blog and kindda likey ur entries..


Syuke A. said...

thanks for taking the time to leave a comment, i was re-reading this again and honestly i have reconcile my friendship with my ex.. and yes that took 2 years but we are in good place. i have no anger whatsoever and only love but nothing over bearing and overtly romantic, just the right and civillized manner simply they use to make me happy and thats all i ask. keep the good things around you and leave whats bad. and one more thing, take them in SMALL yet really GOOD doses. whatever makes you happy right? :)